Student Essays-- Hispanic-American

One of the most prevalent fears that we as humans experience is that of "labelization." Far worse a feeling than being labeled is being labeled as an outsider, as not fitting into a community or a status quo. This fear is definitely something we all feel at the outset of the college experience. Thankfully we do not all have to experience this labelization in racial or sexual ways, as Miguel Ramirez did. "I arrived at Dartmouth, found I wasn't 'gay enough' for the gay students and that I was noticed by others for being Hispanic before I was Miguel." (Ramirez Anthology 528)

 In coming to a place that is wholly new and foreign to us, one of our greatest desires is to find somewhere that we "plug in" to our new environments. This is also something we are told to expect in coming to school. Parents or friends will say "College is where you find what you want and where you belong". It seems to me that because of this fear, there are times that we panic because we seem to be failing in that regard. Even in this "failure" is transient, students think that they are doing something inherently wrong: that they should have gone to that last party, or maybe even studied a bit less. We do not realize that so many others around feel the exact same way, and wish for the same sense of belonging that we do. Our success at finding a place in college seems to be directly correlated to our success in the future, and any sort of failure- socially or academically- is terrifying. We all feel for a time, as Norma Andrade phrased it, "a kind of uncertainty that I couldn't place." (Andrade Anthology 531)

Although we all deal with this uncertainty of ourselves and our surroundings in differing ways, what we have to realize is that every one of us is feeling these emotions. Of course, some of us have high school friends here with us, or simply feel comfortable alone, but we all long for new connections and relationships that reinforce our image of ourselves. I had a conversation last Thursday with a friend from high school whom I hadn't seen in a while. She at one point asked me, "Do you feel like you've really found people you relate to yet?" I responded with a no. "I'm trying, but I think its simply less immediate than we'd like it to be." It was comforting to hear her say she felt uncertain, as I definitely had, especially during that week. This led me to the conclusion that if we all worked hard to open ourselves to the people around us, not to allow our uncertainty to get in the way of striving for new relationships, we'd all be better off. Although there are some aspects of who we are that we cannot or do not want to change, we are lucky enough to now live in a place where there is something for everyone. All we have to do, is go out there and find it.

Black Elk Speaks-

Black Elk Speaks is an incredibly raw, honest narrative that hearkens back to a culture all but lost in our modern society. Reading it brought me a sort of sorrow, as our current way of life in comparison seems to be so shallow and out of touch with our spiritual selves. It also made me feel ashamed to be considered among a group that was responsible for the demise of this culture. We placated them with promises we never intended to keep. "You can see it is not the grass and the water that have forgotten."(490). As a culture, we wasichus seemed determined to ignore our most basic emotions and spirit in order to show that we are "logical and fully functioning members of society". A lack of emotional or spiritual connectedness is somehow akin to maturity. We seem to believe that logic is the center of all truth. But if the acquisition of knowledge has taught us anything, it is that there is so much that is unexplainable. Furthermore, we seem as a race to have a certain imperial complex. That is to say, we long to dominate others, and in our infinite greed take all that we can, by force or otherwise. This trait has led us to subjugate millions of people over the course of history.

Another striking aspect of the narrative was the way that Black Elk began to treat animals in response to his vision. "I felt queer again, and remembered that I was to be like a relative with the birds." (504) He suddenly understands that there is in an equal value to all life, and thus all life is sacred. Even though we as humans must kill animals in order to eat, we should only do so when we must, and in doing so always carry a reverence for the animal within us. Similarly, in Vizenor's "Squirrel", the narrator discovers this very same concept. "I would not shoot an animal again unless my life depended on the hunt." (5) This is a concept that we Wasichus have forgotten, perhaps never known. In our greed we take more than we need, and then some, never able to have our fill. In my opinion, we do so because of a lack of respect for life. Hopefully we discover this truth- that all life is inherently equal and worth respect- before it is too late, and we destroy what we have left entirely. Although as history has evidenced, this is unlikely ever to occur.

Alice and Diversity

What struck me the most in regards to Alice and her relations with those she meets upon her adventures, is the ease with which she takes into stride how strange the world she has been placed in seems to be. There are multitudinous creatures Alice comes into contact with along the way, included a White Queen that evidently lives backwards, a pair of twin brothers that seem to make it their mission to befuddle her, and a mad hatter whom is stuck at one specific time of day. "Alice thought it would never do to have an argument at the very beginning of their conversation, so she smiled and said 'If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as well as I can.'"(195-195) Alice, rather than forcing her preconceived ideas of the way things are and should be upon the people that she comes into contact with, as many adults do, she simply learns to see things from those she meets' point of view. This tactic, this ability of Alice's to at least attempt to see other's ideas as true in their own respect, is a quality that we all could emulate more often. As adults, even as teenagers, we seem to develop a tendency to believe we already know "all there is to know", and that as such any of point of view or lifestyle presented to us is "wrong". However, I believe one of the goals of Alice, and coincidentally one of the major goals of the University of Texas, is to force us to allow other ways of life to seep into our own, to open our minds to all the possibilities surrounding us, and as a result become more enlightened and well-rounded individuals. Then, like Alice, we will come upon those as different to us as a backwards living White Queen, and easily find a way to relate.

Why am I here?

         As I began the attempt to come up with an answer for this blog, I found myself at a complete loss. In the past week, I have asked this question of myself on countless occasions. "Alright Dane, now what do you want to do?" There are too many answers for this question. I've felt that I am at a crossroads, where, having decided not to pursue music as a career, I must start fresh in my future plans. Do I want to become a lawyer, a writer, a college professor, or businessman? I have trapped myself into making a decision, believing, in contradiction of Flawn, that knowledge is merely a means to something beyond it. . . ." (258) However, maybe I am asking myself the wrong questions. Rather than asking "what do you want to do", maybe a better query would be "Who do you want to become?" Although the answer to this question is not yet completely clear, I feel that it would set my feet upon the right path, to understanding that "Knowledge is capable of being its own end." (260) Knowledge in and of itself must be the stepping stones which I use to decide who I want to become, and then by extension, what I want to do.

         It is for these reasons that I am so happy to be involved in the Plan II program. I feel that by fulling taking advantage of what the curriculum has to offer us, we will create for ourselves "a life organic and yet shaped", (265) and ultimately find our "way to the green city", to lead a life of heightened intellect and ideal.
         At this point in time, I am still tossing back and forth ideas of what I would like to become and do once I leave this wonderful place I now get to call home. Maybe I will decide to become a lawyer, or a journalist, but I hope whatever I do, it will feed the inner beast that David Brooks so affectionately call "the Big Shaggy".(274) As for why I am here, I know it is to find these answers, to fully know and understand myself, and hopefully to find where I am meant to be in the world as well.



-Gray Wolf

 We are finally at the outset of the upheaval known as the college experience. In the next four years, we will learn, grow, and change, more rapidly and in drastic measure than in any other time of life. There is an overarching and ultimate freedom is these four years. Why? Because we, for the first time, are allowed complete control over the type of person we develop into. We are among the few whom truly are extended any possible opportunity we could wish, the few whom have utter control of our future character. However, though this freedom to choose is a priceless gift, it is also petrifying in a sense, as it is up to us to take control and choose what to believe in, and why. This is the true definition of independence, taking control of what you wish to believe. The question then arises, therefore: how does one even begin this process? What should one use as an anchor and foundation to the self, the soul? It seems that in the unique universe of Bump’s World Literature class, the answer to these questions is the finding of a personal power animal, from which you learn from and are led by. As such, in my life, I have begun the process of spiritual exploration and discovery, beginning with the finding of a silent, watchful gray wolf.

At the outset of this phenomenal and existential experience, I began this “assignment” (I use quotes as now it is so much more) with one word- skepticism. We’re going to be doing what? We’re supposed to do this how? Why exactly? I was the epitome of what one Jim Carrey movie has affectionately called a “No-Man”¹. And yet, I found myself curious about the process and the validity of it all. My mind began to open to the meditation and the reality of a power animal during our first reading on the subject. In animal speak, the author describes a dream he had in which a long lost animal came to him and stated, “I can not stay while the heart is closed.”² This had a significant effect on me, as I felt as though, for a long time, my heart had been closed to such things, closed to true feeling and emotion.

So, pushing all skepticism aside, I sat down at my computer to attempt the meditations. I imagined all that the guide speaking to me and the readings had advised, expecting limited returns, but to my surprise, was met by a large, solemn gray wolf. Rather than presenting himself to me in a way that would indicate a first encounter, he came from behind me where I sat, nudged my hand in a familiar yet somehow serious way, and simply sat, staring in the same direction in which I had been focusing my attention, as if he had no idea that he was who I had been looking for. He seemed to say “what are we waiting on?” not as a new friend, but as a lifelong companion that had simply been waiting patiently to be noticed. As he knew, it had to be on my own terms. In preparation for this assignment, I watched a documentary called Living with Wolves, in which a man named Jim spent 6 years among a pack of wolves to research their social habits. In this documentary, Jim stated that “any communication or affection with wolves must be on their own terms, or it isn’t as real or rewarding for either party.”³ Although at this point I hadn’t known this about wolves, my wolf surely had understood this about me.  After this first breakthrough with meditation and self-awareness, I was completely speechless. I couldn’t help but frequent the spot a few more times, until not only was I seeing the wolf through my own eyes, the wolf as companion, but through the eyes of the wolf himself. 

I looked up at the thickly falling snow, which smelled of new and clean, and filled me with warmth, not of body, but of mind. Snow meant Easy-kill, snow meant camouflage, and snow meant elk or deer. As I sat upon the ridge overlooking Wolf-camp, which stretched below me in forest-trees and grassy-plain all the way to River, watching snow-fall and eagle-soar, my brother Swift-paw, loped up assuredly to sit down at my side. He watched the yearlings below in Wolf-camp at their play, as I had been doing. He seemed to watch with both contempt and fierce pride. He was Alpha, and as such carried the responsibility of Blood-pack on his own. Although he knew that the yearlings must quickly grow in order to survive Snow-fall for the Long-dark soon to come, they were still his Blood-kin, and part of Pack. Although Swift-Paw was my brother, we were as different as Sun and Moon. I was Beta, second in command, and carried the role as well of Peace-maker within Blood-pack. Where he was loud and daring, giving him the name Enapay⁴, I was calm and silent, ever listening, which gave me name of Wise-wolf, Rafe⁵.

It had been a hard year for Blood-pack. Elk and deer had migrated south shortly after the birth of the year’s pups, leaving us without food for them unless we followed. We ran with them. The yearlings, at the time pups, had been struggling to keep up, but we were Blood-pack, and would not leave them behind. So we had struggled on, finally creating a new Wolf-camp, and waiting for the pups to grow. They were finally ready for Hunt of elk and deer, and the Snow-fall had seemed to see them, and rejoiced as they did on their first day of Hunt by giving herself to us that we may have Easy-kill.  As we watched the yearlings, the rest of Blood-pack came up to meet them, now fifteen in all with the new yearlings, a good number. I felt Enapay leave my side and make his way down, and I followed, though careful never to step in front of him.  Once we had reached the bottom of Great-rock and met the rest of the pack, Enapay sniffed for a moment, then immediately set off West. The rest followed in single file, by order of rank, with occasional fighting over who led whom, which I would finish.

We soon reached a clearing, where a small Blood-pack of deer were feeding on ground-grass. Taking time to shove the new yearlings into formation, I then took my place beside Enapay as he spotted a hurt deep pup on the edge of the herd. Enapay growled, one long, blood-chill growl that I knew well, and ran out of forest-trees after the deer, the rest running after him, snapping and barking as they ran. The deer soon heard and ran, but hurt deer could not run long, and we took her down soon. However, Enapay did not stop there, but ran off in search of large deer, one close by whom he smelled that must be Mother of the deer we had killed. We quickly overtook her, converging in unison to take her down, as she was still larger than even Enapay and I. We had found Easy-kill, and rejoiced in the fresh-meat. Enapay began to howl, I soon following suit, and the rest of Blood-pack after. Enapay ate first, and soon we had all eaten our fill, happy for Snow-fall and for Easy-kill and for Blood-pack.

As I soon found out, the gray wolf whom was now my power animal was Rafe, Wise-wolf, silent, steadfast, loyal, the peacemaker. There is so much that I have already learned from Rafe: what I feel connect with him on, and what I hope to emulate about him in the future. I have stated at previous instances in the class that I have always been one to wish to break free, and that it can at times push away the people that I care for. I was surprised, as such, to learn that the animal which I had spiritually connected with the most was one of the most loyal, family oriented creatures in the animal world. “Some canids, especially wolves, form packs, which allow them to capture species much larger than themselves.”⁶ The gray wolf possesses a fierce loyalty to his pack, one that is hardly ever broken, and that transcends that of pack rank. Even the Omega, whom is the lowest member of the pack, is a valued member of the family and never to be left behind under any circumstances. It is not simply that I wish to possess this trait in a similar fashion, but that I have discovered, through this research and exploration, that I do already share this value for family and for loved ones. Although I hope to meet new people, to travel, and to experience life as fully as possible, I could never permanently leave behind those that I love. This innate understanding that were are stronger as a unit than separately is something wolves and humans both rely upon, as we should, and Rafe is teaching me that it is okay to have this need.

I also currently am an individual who seems never to allow himself to decide on his own what is best. I toss and turn perpetually over every small decision, seeking advice and approval from others for my choices. Yet wolves, especially Rafe, seem to innately grasp what they want and why they want them. This ability to live in the now, and to not think of tomorrow or how difficult a decision may be, is something in Rafe that I hope to emulate. I want to create for myself a core of values and beliefs that I can live by without doubt, knowing that “this is who I am, and this is what I want”.

Another traits which wolves possess is an incredible adaptability to their environments. Although in recent years they have lived in North America in almost exclusively northern, wintery seclusion in the mountains, they were once known to live throughout every climate in the United States.⁷ They do what they must to survive, and very quickly. This is an ability that humans have in large measure, but one that emotionally we are not usually open to. People as a general do not like change, and therefore avoid it when in reality it can be an extremely fulfilling experience, can aid in rediscovery of the true self. I am no exception to this rule. I feel that I am better than most at dealing with change, yet still at times am unwilling to uproot myself from the familiar, even when I see that it will be beneficial for me. But a wolf adapts when he must, and so shall I.

Finally, the most important trait I have found in Rafe, his defining quality, and what sets him apart from even other wolves, is his quiet strength. Rafe feels like a natural leader: he is thoughtful, calm, cautious, and fierce when he must be. Yet even accompanied by these qualities, Rafe is a Beta. He seems to understand that there are times to act, and then times that you must not act. He leads by example of character, becoming the caretaker of others, a naturally compassionate and empathetic being whom loves all of his pack equally, including the Alpha, whom he knows is right for said position. Rafe is truly of calm mind and centered spirit, knowing and finding contentment in where he belongs, and feels no need for others to recognize this, even myself, whom he has watched all along and waited patiently for my arrival. I wish to be like Rafe: to have my feet (paws) set firmly upon the ground, my foundation of spirit and body. If I can emulate these qualities, then I feel that in life I will not only succeed, but be content.

The gray wolf Rafe, my spirit animal, is calm, fiercely loyal, grounded, adaptable, self-assured, and at times even ferocious. The qualities that he possesses have helped me to discover in myself the traits that we share and that I wish to emulate, who I am currently and who I want to be. I have a long way to go, and it may not be comfortable or easy, but hope to one day fell the same self-assured peace of mind and spirit that he seems to know.  

WORD COUNT: 2074

WITHOUT QUOTES: 2025 

   1.     Bowles, Brianna, "Yes MAn," Yes Man Funny Scenes, Web, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHih3j3AsQc.

   2. Ted Andrews, "Awakening to your Spirit Totems," Composition and World Literaure, ed. Jerome Bump (Austin: Jenn's Copy and Binding, 2013), 121.

   3.  Dutcher, Jim, "Living with Wolves," Documentary directed by Jim Dutcher, Web, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWmOtXSAr1M.

   4.    Spotted Wolf's Corner, "Native American Names." Last modified February 16, 2008. Accessed September 29, 2013. http://www.snowwowl.com/swolfNAnamesandmeanings2.html

   5.  20000 Names from Around the World, "Wolf Names." Last modified August 02, 2008. Accessed September 29, 2013. http://www.20000-names.com/wolf_names.htm.

   6.   Ann Mallard, Creatures of the Wild: Wolf, (London: PRC Publishing Ltd., 1998), 4.

   7.     Ibid., 10

Image Citations:

i.                    Wolf eyes, photograph, http://www.spiritual-happiness.com/wolf-eyes.jpg

ii.                  Wolves howling, photograph, http://howlingforjustice.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/alaska-fish-and-game-wipes-out-collared-wolf-pack-from-national-preserve/