We are finally at the outset of the upheaval known as the college experience. In the next four years, we will learn, grow, and change, more rapidly and in drastic measure than in any other time of life. There is an overarching and ultimate freedom is these four years. Why? Because we, for the first time, are allowed complete control over the type of person we develop into. We are among the few whom truly are extended any possible opportunity we could wish, the few whom have utter control of our future character. However, though this freedom to choose is a priceless gift, it is also petrifying in a sense, as it is up to us to take control and choose what to believe in, and why. This is the true definition of independence, taking control of what you wish to believe. The question then arises, therefore: how does one even begin this process? What should one use as an anchor and foundation to the self, the soul? It seems that in the unique universe of Bump’s World Literature class, the answer to these questions is the finding of a personal power animal, from which you learn from and are led by. As such, in my life, I have begun the process of spiritual exploration and discovery, beginning with the finding of a silent, watchful gray wolf.

At the outset of this phenomenal and existential experience, I began this “assignment” (I use quotes as now it is so much more) with one word- skepticism. We’re going to be doing what? We’re supposed to do this how? Why exactly? I was the epitome of what one Jim Carrey movie has affectionately called a “No-Man”¹. And yet, I found myself curious about the process and the validity of it all. My mind began to open to the meditation and the reality of a power animal during our first reading on the subject. In animal speak, the author describes a dream he had in which a long lost animal came to him and stated, “I can not stay while the heart is closed.”² This had a significant effect on me, as I felt as though, for a long time, my heart had been closed to such things, closed to true feeling and emotion.

So, pushing all skepticism aside, I sat down at my computer to attempt the meditations. I imagined all that the guide speaking to me and the readings had advised, expecting limited returns, but to my surprise, was met by a large, solemn gray wolf. Rather than presenting himself to me in a way that would indicate a first encounter, he came from behind me where I sat, nudged my hand in a familiar yet somehow serious way, and simply sat, staring in the same direction in which I had been focusing my attention, as if he had no idea that he was who I had been looking for. He seemed to say “what are we waiting on?” not as a new friend, but as a lifelong companion that had simply been waiting patiently to be noticed. As he knew, it had to be on my own terms. In preparation for this assignment, I watched a documentary called Living with Wolves, in which a man named Jim spent 6 years among a pack of wolves to research their social habits. In this documentary, Jim stated that “any communication or affection with wolves must be on their own terms, or it isn’t as real or rewarding for either party.”³ Although at this point I hadn’t known this about wolves, my wolf surely had understood this about me.  After this first breakthrough with meditation and self-awareness, I was completely speechless. I couldn’t help but frequent the spot a few more times, until not only was I seeing the wolf through my own eyes, the wolf as companion, but through the eyes of the wolf himself. 

I looked up at the thickly falling snow, which smelled of new and clean, and filled me with warmth, not of body, but of mind. Snow meant Easy-kill, snow meant camouflage, and snow meant elk or deer. As I sat upon the ridge overlooking Wolf-camp, which stretched below me in forest-trees and grassy-plain all the way to River, watching snow-fall and eagle-soar, my brother Swift-paw, loped up assuredly to sit down at my side. He watched the yearlings below in Wolf-camp at their play, as I had been doing. He seemed to watch with both contempt and fierce pride. He was Alpha, and as such carried the responsibility of Blood-pack on his own. Although he knew that the yearlings must quickly grow in order to survive Snow-fall for the Long-dark soon to come, they were still his Blood-kin, and part of Pack. Although Swift-Paw was my brother, we were as different as Sun and Moon. I was Beta, second in command, and carried the role as well of Peace-maker within Blood-pack. Where he was loud and daring, giving him the name Enapay⁴, I was calm and silent, ever listening, which gave me name of Wise-wolf, Rafe⁵.

It had been a hard year for Blood-pack. Elk and deer had migrated south shortly after the birth of the year’s pups, leaving us without food for them unless we followed. We ran with them. The yearlings, at the time pups, had been struggling to keep up, but we were Blood-pack, and would not leave them behind. So we had struggled on, finally creating a new Wolf-camp, and waiting for the pups to grow. They were finally ready for Hunt of elk and deer, and the Snow-fall had seemed to see them, and rejoiced as they did on their first day of Hunt by giving herself to us that we may have Easy-kill.  As we watched the yearlings, the rest of Blood-pack came up to meet them, now fifteen in all with the new yearlings, a good number. I felt Enapay leave my side and make his way down, and I followed, though careful never to step in front of him.  Once we had reached the bottom of Great-rock and met the rest of the pack, Enapay sniffed for a moment, then immediately set off West. The rest followed in single file, by order of rank, with occasional fighting over who led whom, which I would finish.

We soon reached a clearing, where a small Blood-pack of deer were feeding on ground-grass. Taking time to shove the new yearlings into formation, I then took my place beside Enapay as he spotted a hurt deep pup on the edge of the herd. Enapay growled, one long, blood-chill growl that I knew well, and ran out of forest-trees after the deer, the rest running after him, snapping and barking as they ran. The deer soon heard and ran, but hurt deer could not run long, and we took her down soon. However, Enapay did not stop there, but ran off in search of large deer, one close by whom he smelled that must be Mother of the deer we had killed. We quickly overtook her, converging in unison to take her down, as she was still larger than even Enapay and I. We had found Easy-kill, and rejoiced in the fresh-meat. Enapay began to howl, I soon following suit, and the rest of Blood-pack after. Enapay ate first, and soon we had all eaten our fill, happy for Snow-fall and for Easy-kill and for Blood-pack.

As I soon found out, the gray wolf whom was now my power animal was Rafe, Wise-wolf, silent, steadfast, loyal, the peacemaker. There is so much that I have already learned from Rafe: what I feel connect with him on, and what I hope to emulate about him in the future. I have stated at previous instances in the class that I have always been one to wish to break free, and that it can at times push away the people that I care for. I was surprised, as such, to learn that the animal which I had spiritually connected with the most was one of the most loyal, family oriented creatures in the animal world. “Some canids, especially wolves, form packs, which allow them to capture species much larger than themselves.”⁶ The gray wolf possesses a fierce loyalty to his pack, one that is hardly ever broken, and that transcends that of pack rank. Even the Omega, whom is the lowest member of the pack, is a valued member of the family and never to be left behind under any circumstances. It is not simply that I wish to possess this trait in a similar fashion, but that I have discovered, through this research and exploration, that I do already share this value for family and for loved ones. Although I hope to meet new people, to travel, and to experience life as fully as possible, I could never permanently leave behind those that I love. This innate understanding that were are stronger as a unit than separately is something wolves and humans both rely upon, as we should, and Rafe is teaching me that it is okay to have this need.

I also currently am an individual who seems never to allow himself to decide on his own what is best. I toss and turn perpetually over every small decision, seeking advice and approval from others for my choices. Yet wolves, especially Rafe, seem to innately grasp what they want and why they want them. This ability to live in the now, and to not think of tomorrow or how difficult a decision may be, is something in Rafe that I hope to emulate. I want to create for myself a core of values and beliefs that I can live by without doubt, knowing that “this is who I am, and this is what I want”.

Another traits which wolves possess is an incredible adaptability to their environments. Although in recent years they have lived in North America in almost exclusively northern, wintery seclusion in the mountains, they were once known to live throughout every climate in the United States.⁷ They do what they must to survive, and very quickly. This is an ability that humans have in large measure, but one that emotionally we are not usually open to. People as a general do not like change, and therefore avoid it when in reality it can be an extremely fulfilling experience, can aid in rediscovery of the true self. I am no exception to this rule. I feel that I am better than most at dealing with change, yet still at times am unwilling to uproot myself from the familiar, even when I see that it will be beneficial for me. But a wolf adapts when he must, and so shall I.

Finally, the most important trait I have found in Rafe, his defining quality, and what sets him apart from even other wolves, is his quiet strength. Rafe feels like a natural leader: he is thoughtful, calm, cautious, and fierce when he must be. Yet even accompanied by these qualities, Rafe is a Beta. He seems to understand that there are times to act, and then times that you must not act. He leads by example of character, becoming the caretaker of others, a naturally compassionate and empathetic being whom loves all of his pack equally, including the Alpha, whom he knows is right for said position. Rafe is truly of calm mind and centered spirit, knowing and finding contentment in where he belongs, and feels no need for others to recognize this, even myself, whom he has watched all along and waited patiently for my arrival. I wish to be like Rafe: to have my feet (paws) set firmly upon the ground, my foundation of spirit and body. If I can emulate these qualities, then I feel that in life I will not only succeed, but be content.

The gray wolf Rafe, my spirit animal, is calm, fiercely loyal, grounded, adaptable, self-assured, and at times even ferocious. The qualities that he possesses have helped me to discover in myself the traits that we share and that I wish to emulate, who I am currently and who I want to be. I have a long way to go, and it may not be comfortable or easy, but hope to one day fell the same self-assured peace of mind and spirit that he seems to know.  

WORD COUNT: 2074

WITHOUT QUOTES: 2025 

   1.     Bowles, Brianna, "Yes MAn," Yes Man Funny Scenes, Web, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHih3j3AsQc.

   2. Ted Andrews, "Awakening to your Spirit Totems," Composition and World Literaure, ed. Jerome Bump (Austin: Jenn's Copy and Binding, 2013), 121.

   3.  Dutcher, Jim, "Living with Wolves," Documentary directed by Jim Dutcher, Web, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWmOtXSAr1M.

   4.    Spotted Wolf's Corner, "Native American Names." Last modified February 16, 2008. Accessed September 29, 2013. http://www.snowwowl.com/swolfNAnamesandmeanings2.html

   5.  20000 Names from Around the World, "Wolf Names." Last modified August 02, 2008. Accessed September 29, 2013. http://www.20000-names.com/wolf_names.htm.

   6.   Ann Mallard, Creatures of the Wild: Wolf, (London: PRC Publishing Ltd., 1998), 4.

   7.     Ibid., 10

Image Citations:

i.                    Wolf eyes, photograph, http://www.spiritual-happiness.com/wolf-eyes.jpg

ii.                  Wolves howling, photograph, http://howlingforjustice.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/alaska-fish-and-game-wipes-out-collared-wolf-pack-from-national-preserve/