How Can I Help Part II

Since I began this reading, I’ve found that I approach the most basic of human interactions in very different ways. I’m becoming a more involved listener, in simple recognition of the desire for people to feel heard. In situations wherein someone I know is suffering, I attempt no longer to give into the helplessness I often feel about not being able to find them a solution. Yesterday, I found myself in a car with a friend, hearing about the many difficulties she was experiencing in a new job. She was thrust into her position with very little training, the job’s inner workings apparently undergoing a major transition. She felt she was being treated unfairly for not yet understanding the ins and outs of her position. Hearing about her situation, I immediately began searching for some sort of solution. She should talk to her manager or another superior. She should request more training. I constantly do so in an eagerness to help. I got caught up in “Reckoning, judging, evaluating, leaping in, taking it personally. . . the helping act has any number of invitations to reactiveness and distraction.” (Dass, Gorman 98) In light of this, I checked my reaction this time, trying instead to make her feel heard and understood. In doing so I realized that she had never wanted a solution from me, just someone to hear her out. Cue light from heaven, I’ve had an epiphany. Well, a Ram Dass influenced epiphany.

Another issue Ram Dass talked about that altered how I view my everyday reactions is the fact that people rarely act in service for others without some ulterior- even subconscious- motive. It reminded me of an old episode of Friends, wherein Joey challenges Phoebe to find one “completely selfless good deed.” We also talked in class about how it is something conditioned in us. When we’re young, there’s always that canned food drive, or Toys for Tots push in school, that we’re rewarded for participating in. “Once we come to associate it with rewards, we start to use helping in the service of a wide range of personal motives other than the expression of natural compassion.” (Dass, Gorman 126) This seemed a depressing thought. Are we all just completely selfish creatures, unwilling to do anything unless there is some form of return? It might be naive to shout no, but also too cynical to say yes. Either way, It challenged me to look more closely at my motives for an act as simple as holding open a door, or offering to pay for a friend’s dinner. I suppose to an extent our motivation may not matter, as long as the act helps another. But I do believe that for an act of service to truly be meaningful, it must come from love for others alone. Only then is the act organic and effective for the helped and the helper.