Best and Worst Jan. 19-25

The first couple of weeks back from break haven't been great for me. Doubts, indecision, confusion, frustration, stress, have all plagued me in equal measure. What am I doing? Am I making the right decisions? I'm never going to be successful. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Is that really what you want, or just the way to a bigger pay check? I envy those people who never seem to worry about the future, and yet everything still seems to fall into place for them. They're smart, they know what they want now, and it leads to what they want in the future. Maybe this is just my jealous perception.

Anyway, all of these doubts manifested themselves in the last week in the form of Broccoli Project auditions. I only went to one night of auditions, changed my mind immediately after about the show I wanted to audition, but only read once for that show. As a result, I didn't get cast, which I expected but still came as a blow. I was humiliated. Who was I if I can't even do this; this thing that now was such a huge part of my self image? I was also ashamed of these feelings. You weren't right for any of the parts, now get over it and find a different use of your time. I decided to dive into Texas 4000, something I was extremely excited about doing. The problem was, there wasn't much to do there yet. If there's anything I abhor, it's feeling stagnant and unproductive. I even debated adding another class. All this fixation and distress made me realize that I didn't know who I was when not extremely busy, I didn't want to find out; the very thought was terrifying. I prayed about it, tried to let it go and settle in to an unpleasantly easy semester.

My best came in a very unexpected way. A few days after all of this, I got an email from a cast member from last semester asking if I wanted to audition for Foot in the Door's production of Agamemnon. Yes. Yes I did. So now I'm playing Agamemnon and the Watchmen. I'm honestly a little embarrassed at how relieved productivity made me feel. The director, Imogen, was very complimentary, and this was a much needed confidence boost after about a month of perceived inadequacy, and a lot of soul searching. It was just what I needed. I'm not a devoutly religious person in the Church-going "Power of Christ compels you" sense, but I am a Christian in my own way, and believe that someone looks out for us when we need help, call him God, or whomever/whatever you choose to believe in. (To me they're all the same, but I won't get into that here.) Once again I felt a modicum of security in my situation and in my self image.

Side Note: Another best for me this week was the visit to SARA. I'm sure this is true for a lot of us, which is why I wrote on something else. But I found it to be an inspiration and an awakening.