Feb. 27 Best and Worst

So these best and worst blogs are rapidly becoming a place to vent or complain, so I'll try and keep that to a minimum. The worst of my week was feeling incredibly stressed about school an the future in general. Of Course. Again. I got a test grade back for Biology that was terrible. Granted, most everyone else's were also terrible. But this is a plan II, non-major Biology course! This should not be the class that ruins all of our GPAs. Seriously, what the hell? I would be less angry and more determined to do better if I felt like this was an isolated incident, but it seems to me like there's not a whole lot we can do to predict how well we do on those tests. I studied, knew the material well, but forgot to include a few things that she believed were key that I evidently did not. So obviously, I felt incredibly powerless and in no control of the outcome of this course. For a Plan II kid, this is a nightmare. What's more, there's also been the usual identity crises, seeing too many options and not having an answer yet for what I wanted. I feel like I've defined more where I want to go, but don't know how I get there. And I am constantly fighting between the passionate and practical aspects of my personality. The two are so dichotomous that I feel like I have to choose one side if myself just to pick a career. So these "crises" have increased in frequency and intensity as time has gone on, to the point that I'm almost constantly close to a breakdown. One thing I have realized though, is most of being unsure is simply wanting to be a part of something challenging, something that really tests my limits. And something I feel I'm good at and am valued as a part of. Which also makes me terrified that I made a mistake in choosing to drop music as a major. Should I have stayed in and done Music Business? The very thought has lately put my stomach in knots. It's a lot harder to transfer back into Butler once you've transferred out. I just miss being good at something at something, that feeling of confidence that it elicits. And I'd rather work harder and not have to decide than to specialize. Hence taking 18 hours. So basically, I'm tired, stressed, and in serious need of a break from reality. Or just some perspective.

All that being said, the best of my week actually came as a direct result of these frequent panic attacks. It all sort of came to a head last night, in the midst of a debate between Music Business and Computer Science. I realized that I had fallen back into a habit I'd gotten into in high school of obsessively fixating on anything I couldn't control, or any mistake I might have made. Right now, I'm doing everything I can, and these questions I have can't be solved by beating my head against a rock. And I'm doing it over and over, expecting a different result: insanity. I'm literally driving myself insane. So I finally said, "Dude, chill the fuck out." And suddenly, I did. Once I allowed myself not to worry, I stopped doing it so damn much. That, accompanied with actually getting enough sleep, has led me to a completely different outlook. Suddenly I realize again how lucky I am to be here and doing the things I'm doing. For crying out loud, this is a damn good school and I'm doing some badass things: Plan II, the Oxford Program, Texas 4000, even the Broccoli Project. And no one can succeed who has never known failure. So, I'm doing my best to stop killing myself, and the world has changed. I'm a better friend, son, brother, boyfriend, and I'm happier in general. It's crazy what letting go and having a little faith can do. So that's that, and I'm moving forward. Finally.